Soldier Tells Us His Methods of Seduction
by Maggot Magnet
Summary: After buying a typewriter, Soldier writes us a tried-and-true tutorial on how to get the merc you want.


- .- -. -. - - ...

Wait, what? Oh, so that's how this thing works. Okay nevermind

**[[HOW TO SEDUCE A TEAMMATE! BY SRGNT MJR JANE DOE JR.]]**

So you think you can just walts into this How-To article with your beady litle eyes, HUH? So you think you can seduce a teamate, HUH? Which makes you desprate enough to read a How-To article, HUH? ARE YOU? _ARE _YOU? _AN_SWER ME! ! ! ! ! !

The answer to all those questions are _ROGER THAT! ! ! ! !_` Over.

Awwww, boo-hoo-hoo. You're real damn desprate, ain't ya? Awwww. Need a hankie, you PAINED, WEAKENED LITLE RABBITSHIT!?

But, even though you're obviusly too pansy to button your panties, WORRY NO MORE! Because, with the help of this typewriter I got at the farmacy for two bucks, I'M GOING TO TURN YOUR LIFE INNNNSIDE OUT! BY MAKING YOU ABLE TO SEDUCE THAT PRRRRRIVATE! WHOEVER HE OR SHE MAY BE.

YEAH. _GO AMERICA!_

~~`~~~ ~~~~~ holy crap wait iis this a maggot `button ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AWWW YES! ~~~ ~ ~ ~~~~~LOOK AT THEM SQUIRM!~~~~~

EXCERSICE ONE! I'm going to give you an exampel of a situation and you have to give me an answer. IS THAT CLEAR ! ? ! ! ! ! ! ! !/

Figure ONE! You and said mercenary are ALONE in the kitchen while said mercenary is bendng over the counter to get a piece of toast for himself - YOU, at the time, are sitting on a typewriter typign out an article dew to imMENSE boredumb - and right as you are trying to find the letter A your eyes zoom right to that nice juicey hunk of HINEY! BOW WOW! _OH MAMA!_

What do you do with your pathetic self? ONLY! CHOOSE! _ONE!_  
a) I AM A PANSY AND I WILL LOOK BACK TO FIND THAT LETTER A  
b) I AM A PANSY AND I AM GOING TO IGNORE THAT  
c) I AM A PANSY AND I WILL STAIR AT HIS HOO-HAH UNTIL MY EYELIDS PEEL OFF OF MY FACE  
d) I AM A PANSY AND I WILL PRETEND I AM NOT TYPNG ABOUT HIS HOO-HAH AS HE LOOKS OVER AT MY TYPEWRITER  
e) I WILL GET RIGHT UP RIGHT NOW AND SMACK THAT

Regardless of what you chose, you are obviusly a SPINELESS WORM! In case you didn`t know, the right choice is `e`. But obviously you didn't choose that because you were too HONEST ABOUT YOUR SPINELESS WORM SELF! AND IF YOU WERE NOT HONEST I SWAIR TO YOU THAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN WILL COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND HAUNT YOU IN YOUR DREAMS UNTIL YOU WILL STOP LYING TO YOURSELF. LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

SO NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN SUCH A SITUATION YOU BETTER SMACK THAT! DO NOT TAKE OPORTUNITIES AWAY FROM YOURSELF!

EXCERSICE 2#! You are sittng with said mercnery after a battle and you are both tired - and both of you are in the backshed on the roof and no one can see you - and he asks you for the time and it's sunset and the only thng you hear are birds chirping and medic playing the violin.

STOP CHOOSING TWO OF THEM! CHOOSE ONE! I AM SERIOUS! _FOLLOW THE GODDAMN RULES!_  
a) I AM A BRAINLESS VOMITBAG AND I WILL SHRUG AND NOT TELL HIM THE TIME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IT  
b) I AM A BRAINLESS VOMITBAG AND I WILL PRETEND I DIDNT HEAR HIM TO SPAIR MYSELF THE TROUBLE OF RESPONDING GALLANTLY  
c) I WILL MAKE OUT WITH HIM SO HARD THAT HIS GODDAM TEXAS FACE WILL TURN AS RED AS GUTS AND THEN WE'LL GET AT LEAST TO THIRD BASE

MY GOD DO I HATE MYSELF! On a compeltely different note, the answer to that question is `c`. IMAGINE HIM SMILING BY HIS SENTRY AND WAVING TO YOU AND BLOWING KISSES AT YOUR FACE! DO YOU NOT SEE THE BEAUTY IN THAT!? YOU SHOULD STOP PUSSYING OUT AND GO FOR C! GO FOR C! JUST GODDAM DO IT!

ANYWAYS IM RUNING OUT OF IDEAS FOR EXC

EXCERSICE 3#! Whnever you are alone with them tel them how much you like them as a person so that they wont think your a COWARD! A SPINELESS COWARD THAT ONLY TALKS TO THEM TO THANK THEM FOR A FUCKING SENTRY OR TO ASK THEM TO PLAY 'YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE' ON THE GUITAR JUST TO SEE THEIR GODDAM SMILE AS THEY TALK ABOUT FUCKING SUNSHINE!`! I DONT EVEN LIKE SUNSHINE! SUNSHINE JAMS ITSELF INTO MY FACE EVERY MORNING LIKE A GODDAMN CYANIDE TABLET! AND WOULDNT YOU WANNA WAKE UP IN THE MORNING CUDDLING WITH THAT GODDAMN MERCENARY AGAINST YOUR SHOULDER SNORNG AND BEING VERY CALM AND QUIET! !? I KNOW I WOULD! ! ! ! !

ALSO GROW STUBBLE THEY SAID THAT THEY THINK STUBBLE MAKES SOMEONE LOOK MANLY ONE TIME WHEN WE WERE ALL SITTING AROUND A CAMPFIRE GETTING BOOZED UP. BUT I DONT KNOW IF THAT APPLYS TO YOU BECAUSE MAYBE YOUR MERCENARY IS DIFFERENT BUT SERIOUSLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS UNIQUE SO FIND YOUR OWN WAY TO GET YOUR JOLLIES WITH THEIR TALLIES. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

YEAHHHHHH THATS PRETTY MUCH ALL THE ADVICE I CAN GIVE.  
I HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD LUCK IN SEDUCING THAT MAGGOT YOU HAVE THE SEXIES FOR  
I KNOW I HELPED, SO YOUR WELCOME! ! !  
End communication

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